10.  Told you the New York Giants sucked.

9.  Vince Vaughn is my hero.  I wish I was as smooth as that guy.  I mean, if I was that smooth, I could neglect my appearance and STILL knock boots with Jennifer Anniston on the rebound.  The man is like Shaq for crying out loud.  Rebound, SLAM.

8.  Cry me a river about AIDS already.  Seriously, this may sound insensitive, but enough already.  It's one of THE MOST PREVENTABLE diseases to ever exist, and yet it gets more funding research per patient than any other disease.  $4,439 per patient.  Why is it a good thing that AIDS gets 10 times as much money than any other disease?

7.  Same thing with breast cancer.  It's not even the biggest killer among cancers, but it GETS THE MOST MONEY, of course.  $290 per patient.  Diabetes kills more people a year than breast cancer and AIDS combined, yet it got just $58 dollars per patient.  Those pink magnetic car ribbons may be nice for you radical feminists out there, but how about showing some love for the other cancers--the ones not completely associated with women, you progressive, open minded liberals, you? 

Moral of the story?  Want research monies for your disease?  Better hope it is politically correct.

6.  You heavy drinkers, and pot smokers, that seem to think the fact that you get stoned and drunk all the time is a sign that you are more sophisticated or more mature--just remember--in high school, it was the burnouts and losers who did it--now you, in all your infinite wisdom and independent thought, have followed THEIR lead, and are now the more sophisticated for it?  Well, okay then, I'll sit on the sidelines and happily consider myself unsophisticated.  Just remember--I'm funnier and better looking than you are and I don't do either.  Remember that.

5.  The tramp stamp has to go.  Much like a tracking beacon for zoologists, the lower back tattoo makes it easy for me to know which girls to keep, and which ones to throw back into the wild.  The lower back tattoo makes it too easy at parties--especially the tribal tattoos.  If your tribe is so important to you, maybe I should send you back to whichever tribe that stupid tattoo is supposed to represent, instead of wasting my time on you?

4.  Now that I mention women folk, why are they always leaving the toilet seat down?

3.  Why don't I drink?  Well, I don't have anything particularly against it, per se, but I don't have anything particularly for it, either.  And I cannot STAND when people try to get you to drink.  Can.  NOT.  STAND.  The last time the white man tried to get my people to drink, we gave them Manhattan.  So screw you, white devil.

2.  Speaking of racial slurs, I love them.  Well, I love the ones that sound funny.  Kraut?  Hilarious.  Beaner?  Might be the best one ever.  Moolie?  Chuckling as we speak.  Wop?  That just sounds like the sound Michael Moore makes when he hits the water of his heated pool in his multi-million dollar estate.  Limey?  Gook, Chink--they SOUND FUNNY.  Sounds good.  But where are the funny nicknames for America?  White devil?  Great Satan?  Evil America?  Those don't go over well in the club.

1.  And finally--enough already with you uneducated political aficionados.  Seriously.  You don't know what you are talking about, don't talk at all.  I have a friend that sat with me a year ago and told me that he "hates Bush", and went on to rattle off the fact that interest rates were at an all time high because of the evil president and was causing their student loans to be too burdensome--I didn't bother mentioning they were nearing 20 year lows, which caused the housing boom.  Two days ago, he and his girlfriend were again telling me how much they hate Bush but this time complaining that the interests rates were at a ridiculously low rate and they couldn't gain interest on investments--again because of Mr. Bush.  They got it exactly wrong, of course, since rates have been raised 6 quarters in a row.  But that is the life of a compulsively opinionated fool.  Ah well.  This is why I don't argue with people.  Too ignorant to find facts for yourself?  Let's play Halo.

The Extra Point:  If you've never listened to 70's pop singer song-writer Randy Newman, you must.  The man does songs for Pixar--Toy Story and Monsters INC., but his songs are hilarious--some titles--"Political Science-Let's Drop the Big One Now", "Short People", and "The Yellow Man".  I highly recommend illegally downloading some of them.